My Experience with… Depression
As some of you are aware from previous posts of mine; I’ve
had depression from a very young age. I showed signs of having it from when I
about 10 but was only officially diagnosed with having it at 19 when I was no
longer considered being of school age. I think I have mentioned before that my
doctor didn’t want to formally diagnose me until I was out of school and I
think that it’s because it is not really recommended to give anti-depressants
to children/teenagers. Initially it was put down to “being a teenager”,
“hormones” and “rebellion” – which I resented as I wasn’t intentionally being
rebellious; I felt like I was drowning and bullying at school made me not want
to go (it made me so anxious and down) so, if I could get out of going to
school, I would. In my post about anxiety I wrote that I would call up the
school myself and tell them that I wasn’t going back (if it was after lunch) or
that I just wasn’t going in at all that day. Being depressed and anxious made
me physically ill (on top of dealing with horrendous periods but I’ll skip that
for now) so I often felt too sick to even get out of bed and didn’t want to go
to school for fear of being sick in class and not being able to get to a toilet
in time. I would constantly have breakdowns – particularly the night before
homework was due in or tests – and I regularly battled between not sleeping
most nights (Sunday nights – Thursday), getting an hour or so of sleep, waking
up every 20-30 mins or even sleeping too much (Fri nights – Sunday daytime. I
was so low, physically & mentally ill and tired, and no matter how many
times I went to the doctors or told my teachers; no one seemed to want to help.
The bullying made me suicidal, as I stated in my anxiety post. I didn’t want to
go to school where I had to be with those people and I didn’t want to have my
home life invaded by them either as by the time I was in my final year of
Primary School, the bullies had literally brought their insults and taunts to
my front door. It was a really miserable time.
I thought things would be different when I went to college
but it wasn’t. I was still being bullied, this time by new people who I had no
connection with, and I was having a really difficult time with coping. It was
during college that I had such a massive breakdown that I was signed off sick
for weeks at a time until I eventually had to leave about 2 months before the
end of my course due to being so unwell, not being able to go to college and
not wanting or having the energy to do my coursework. I felt like such a
failure for having to leave and sometimes I still do when I’m reminded of it
with each new school year and “back to school” post. However, I remind myself
that I made the decision to leave
because I couldn’t cope and that it wasn’t worth my mental health suffering any
more than it already had.
Another thing that affected my depression was the lack of
sunlight. Here in Scotland schools start in August and finish in June so a lot
of our schooling done in the autumn & winter months but even our springs
can be quite dark as well. At college, we started in September so it was already
getting darker at night. I left my house at 6:50 in the morning when it was
still dark and would return after 6pm, sometimes after 8, when it would be dark
again. The only times I saw daylight were walking from the bus to my college
and if I happened to look out of the window during lectures. I’d wake up, get
ready, go to college, be in lectures from 9-4, get home for 6, have dinner,
shower and go straight to bed. My time was either spent in theory classes, at
the schools where I did my practical work or in bed crying. I wasn’t living. I
merely existed. And I didn’t want to.
I spent the next two
years on benefits because I couldn’t work due to my depression and anxiety but, as doctors wouldn’t diagnose me or
give me treatment other than medication which I didn’t want to take, I had to
sign on every two weeks. Going to the job centre every two weeks would drive
anyone insane. It made me feel worse to be made to apply for jobs (otherwise
you get sanctioned and your money gets stopped) that I knew either wouldn’t get
or wouldn’t keep due to my illnesses. I felt pressured into getting a job every
time I went in and was made to feel as though my efforts weren’t enough despite
applying for more than 2 jobs a day and going to interviews. They could clearly
see that I was in distress but, again, no one wanted to help. It was only after
I got my first “proper” (translation: paid) job and lost it due to being ill that
my adviser suggested that I apply to get ESA (Employment & Support
Allowance). I didn’t even know that that was choice. It seems to be that to be
considered a “valuable member of society” you have to get a job and you can’t
have illnesses that make you unable to do so as it then automatically makes you
a “scrounger”. I’m far from being a scrounger and I’m not lazy; I am mentally
unable to cope with having a job due to crippling social anxiety and can’t keep
one because most days I can’t even get out of bed due to my depression and
severe anxiety. I felt bad even being on benefits but I had my share of bills
to pay and no means of being able to live without it and now I feel bad about
being on ESA. I didn’t choose to become ill. I didn’t choose to be unable to
cope with what goes on in my head and what happens around/to me. It just
happened.
I don’t know how to get over these feelings of depression
and anxiety or to stop feeling guilty for being on benefits/not being able to
work so I do what I feel I do best; I write. Before it was writing fictional
pieces loosely based on what I was going through and now I write these blog
posts. I still get nervous sharing them, though, as there are people who simply
just don’t understand. That makes me scared. It makes me scared that, like when
I shared my thoughts and feelings on the internet when I was of school age,
that my comments section will be filled with vicious trolls who get a kick out
of making people miserable because they know they are susceptible to being
tormented by it. Unlike back then, today I can just delete any negative
comments and there are ways of banning people so please keep that in mind.
Anxiously,
Me
Me
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